HopeUC Secunderabad

How to Manage your Anger

• HopeUC Secunderabad

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“You shall not murder” goes beyond actions Jesus shows it’s about the anger in our hearts. Pastor Varsha unpacks how unhealed wounds, harsh words, and suppressed emotions can silently destroy. Whether you explode, shut down, or manipulate, true freedom begins with forgiveness, healing, and inviting God into your emotional battles.

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Speaker 1:

amen. So we are continuing on the series of just 10, the 10 commandments, which are again tailored and designed to be relevant to this day as well. Many of us might be thinking, okay, moses received the 10 commandments on the mount. We are no longer living on the mount and we are no longer living in the Old Testament. How is it relevant for us today? So thanks to Pastor J John, who has explained so well how the 10 commandments are useful for us in our day-to-day lives. Okay, so we have covered four series so far, and today we are looking at the sixth commandment. Okay, the fifth in the series, session five.

Speaker 1:

Okay, which is how to manage your anger, any people, any angry people, any angry birds. I actually was so tempted to put an angry bird emoji on my you know the PowerPoint Then I was like, okay, that's going to be very mean, so I just removed it. I was tempted, okay. So let's look at the foundation scripture for today. It's taken from Exodus, chapter 20, verse 13. It says you shall not murder. Okay, point blank. That's it you shall not murder. You might be asking Pastor Varsha, how is this scripture relevant to me? I have not murdered anybody, or I'm not even having that intention to do so? How is this relevant to us? Okay, so Jesus goes on a little further to explain what Exodus 20, 13 actually means. Okay, so if you turn our Bibles, actually you will see it on the screen.

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Matthew, chapter 5, verses 21 to 22. It says you have heard that it was said to the people long ago do not murder and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment. But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or a sister will be subject to judgment. Yes, how many of you heard the scripture? If you have brought a gift, you know, at the offering table, but you have unforgiveness in your heart, what does the scripture tell us? Go, reconcile with your brother and then come and offer your gift to God. Reconciliation, forgiveness, these things are very, very important, my friends, and God does not take murder, anger, hatred for light.

Speaker 1:

Okay, does any one of us seated here have a capacity to put life into a dead body? Can any one of you do that? Not even the best of best doctors can do that. Right, they could not put life back into a dead body. So what right do you and I have to kill somebody? Okay, so now we will look at.

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Is this literal killing? Okay, but do we also kill people with our words? We say harsh things. Okay, I hate you, I do not like you, I do not, I cannot stand to see your face. Anybody heard these words. I wish you were not born. Yes, yes, yes, we have heard all of this.

Speaker 1:

I remember I and my mom was very pretty, so was my dad, were very handsome, but my brother was of a dark complexion. Okay. So my father always used to say how do you look? You don't look like me. And that was imprinted on my brother's heart, imprinted on my brother's heart. And he said years later to my father how could you ever say that to me, dad, I'm your son. How could you ever say that to me? I mean, he's grown up, in his 40s now, but he remembered those words spoken to him as a child. Yes, many times our parents have spoken words over us. Our grandparents have spoken words over us. People at school have spoken words, maybe our teachers or principal. Okay, these words have been etched into our heart. Hurtful words. Yes, you are not enough. Okay, yeah, let us see. Okay, yeah, let us see.

Speaker 1:

Jesus says that anger and hatred is a serious offense, just as much as murder is. He shifts the focus from the external into the internal, as to what is happening inside our heart. Heart. Okay, when a person picks up a weapon to attack somebody, there is a lot of rage and anger in them. Okay, there are a series of chemical reactions that actually happen in the brain. There is a hormone called adrenaline that is released. Okay, if there is science students here, we call it the fight or the flight hormone. Okay, fight means you are ready to go, otherwise you will run away. It's called the fight or the flight hormone and that's the hormone that will make you to pick up that weapon in order to strike somebody. It's a very normal physiological reaction. It is actually given by God to protect us so that in any dangerous situation, you will have the energy to run away from something which is harmful.

Speaker 1:

But we humans have not learned how to master our anger, how to control our anger. Okay, so we've looked at what the word says. Two scriptures, one from the Old Testament, one from the New Testament. Now let us look what the world calls this anger Okay, the experts. What the world calls this anger okay, the experts.

Speaker 1:

Okay, according to the American Psychological Association, it says anger is defined as an emotion that is characterized by tension and hostility. Hostility is you are one party, there's an opposite party. Okay, so you are enemies. You feel like that. It arises from frustration real or imagined, okay injury by another, and it's a perceived justice, injustice, that has been done to you. Sometimes you feel people have hurt you, they have wronged you, they have said words which they should not have said to you. Okay, they have wronged you. They have said words which they should not have said to you. Okay, they have thought of you as something who you are not and that has actually caused hatred to form inside your heart towards that other person.

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Yes, how many of you have experienced these emotions? Am I the the only one? What's the extreme that one has gone to? I told the first congregation, you know, the first service congregation. The extreme emotion that I went through is I broke couple of plates. So have you any one of you, given anybody a black eye, punched so hard? Black eye? No, in Urdu there is one famous thing. Last week, pastor Comfort talked to you about Barkas Biryani.

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No, today I'll teach you one Urdu word. It's called what is this? What is this? What is this? What is this? What is this? What is this? What is this? What is this? Tees mar khan? Tees ko marne wala khan. Tees ko Tees is tatti. Tees ko marne wala khan. What do you think of yourself? Tees mar khan? You've heard of this. Nobody's heard. Am I the only one who's heard of this? What did you think? Tees mar khan? You've heard this. That's where it comes from. Ismar Khan, you heard this. That's where it comes from, and, thank goodness, my joke has broken a little ice.

Speaker 1:

Okay, good, so there are about three ways how we express our anger. Okay, the first one is called as the maniac. Okay, who are these maniacs who are over the top? Okay, okay, if they are angry, you will see them always on the road. They will be ready to put their bike to the side, get down and fight. Yes, you did this to my bike, so I will. The maniacs, the ones who shout. So you see there the fight, or the flight. Okay, they yell, they like to shout on the top of their voice. Okay, verbally, they abuse. These are the ones who are called as the maniacs.

Speaker 1:

Okay, the second one are called. It's called the mute or the repressed anger. You see that bottle. What is there in that bottle. All the precious things we keep storing in that bottle Anger, stress, frustration, pain, hurt, disappointment. We store all this but nothing will come out of your mouth. Oh, you are calling me angry? No, not at all. I am not angry. We repress it, we keep it inside. Okay, we don't show it to the world that we are angry, but we are angry. Such kind of expression of anger actually can lead to a lot of emotional damage and also physical issues like blood pressure, health issues will precipitate because everything is stored on the inside. Okay, the third one. These are the complicated ones, the manipulators. Okay, you see that picture of a manipulator there.

Speaker 1:

Okay, anger is expressed indirectly through sarcasm, passive aggression and hurtful humor, saying jokes which are mean. How many of you have been subject to that? Okay, mean jokes. Okay, when I was in school, I used to have really black hair, so my friends used to call me Super Vasmol 33. You've heard of this. This was the first hair dye that came out in the market, super Vasmol. So they used to first hair dye that came out in the market, superb small. So they used to tease me like that. I still remember it. It must have hurt me at that time. Therefore, I still remember. Yeah, okay, so using sarcastic jokes. Okay, if you look at that slide, it says the word sarcasm is derived from a Greek word called sarcazen, which means to tear flesh like a dog. There's nothing funny or humorous about a dog tearing flesh, but we have made it humorous and we feel the comedy industry runs on this. Sarcastic jokes. Comedy industry runs on this. Sarcastic jokes yes, it evolves to mean to bite into one's lips or to speak bitterly or to sneer Okay, a manipulative way of expressing our anger.

Speaker 1:

So, even as I have taught you these three things, you should identify which category you want to. I will not ask you to raise hands for this. Okay, you know which category you fall into, okay? So pastor Jay John talks about couple of methods, how we are able to manage our anger man. Manage I use the word manage and not treat is because none of us can take a pill and say for the rest of my life I will be free from anger. There's no vaccine that has been developed that you take and you'll be anger free. Yes, we will be exposed to circumstances in our lives which will cause us to get angry, but what you do with your anger, the actions that follow determine the outcome of the situation, my friends.

Speaker 1:

So the first step to manage your anger is to admit your anger. Many times you don't want to admit that you're angry because you feel you are exposing yourself. Therefore, you don't want to admit. Acknowledging the emotion is very, very important. Identify and name the feeling, what you're feeling. Tell the other person I'm feeling angry, I'm feeling frustrated, I am feeling hurt, I am feeling disappointed. Many times we are not able to express. You can't go express to XYZ. You can only express to the ones who are close to you, my friends. So find that person who's close to you. It could be your best friend, it could be your father, your mother, maybe your youth pastor, or maybe a counselor Whoever could that be, can give you some time.

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Admit to them that you are angry and also identify the triggers. What are the triggers? What are the triggers in your life? Is it a person, is it a situation or is it a, you know, some kind of a pressure that is causing you to get angry? Identify those triggers in your life and also start to communicate assertively, okay, using statements. Like I just said, I feel hurt, I feel angry, I feel disappointed. Start expressing, because many times what happens is the person who is hurting. You may not know that certain action of theirs is actually hurting you.

Speaker 1:

If you are able to, verbally, without using any of the above methods, in a very calm way, able to communicate to that person that you are hurting me because of so and so reason, maybe that other person will be able to resolve the issue. Yes, so communication is very, very important. My friends, and also seeking healthy outlets. Okay, exercising journaling is something which we can do. Journaling is nothing but writing your diary. Okay, it gives out a went out for your feelings. Practicing deep breathing is one thing. I will show you one kind of breathing which is very helpful in the coming slides. Denial only deepens the problem, but honesty is the first step towards healing. The second step to deal with anger is how to deal with anger immediately.

Speaker 1:

The Bible says you cannot sit on your anger. Don't let the sun go down on your anger. Ephesians, chapter 4, verse 26, says don't sin by letting anger gain control over you. Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a mighty foothold to the devil. Once you sit there and you are brooding over it and you are not doing anything, you are giving a foothold for the enemy. And when you are sitting and brooding there, you have all the reason where you can commit something which you will again regret later.

Speaker 1:

Yes, there's a famous saying that Pastor Jay John talks about, that anger is like a vessel, that there is acid stored in the vessel. Okay, it does more harm to the vessel which is stored in than when it is thrown outside. Imagine a vessel containing acid. It is corroding every part of you. So you don't want to have acid in your vessel. Yes, amen. Anger becomes dangerous when it's ignored. Okay, and unresolved anger opens a door to destructive influence.

Speaker 1:

Yes, there is a way, called as what psychology you know people use. It's called as cognitive restructuring. Okay, when you are angry, you blow things out of proportion and you tend to exaggerate. Have you heard of it? The fight will be very small, but when you will be explaining you to your friend, you will say you know, that person said this that this you exaggerate. You blow the balloon so big. Yes, you tend to exaggerate. So in such a situation, it is very good for us to be very realistic. Yes, damage. Okay, sorry, replace the dramatic thoughts with rational ones, like, instead of saying this is the worst thing ever. Okay, that has happened to me. You can say this is frustrating, but I can deal with it. If you are able to tell yourself this, you will actually minimize the damage that you will be doing.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so, thinking rationally and also stop over exaggerating, yeah, the third point that pastor jay john talks about is understanding anger. Okay, how many of you watch the movie titanic? You watch the movie titanic. So the reason why titanic sank was because the ship hit the iceberg. Yeah, so anger is also described as an iceberg. Okay, the tip of the iceberg is only seen, but you know, what is under the water is not seen. But what is under the water is hurt, fear, disappointment, unmet expectations, insecurities. These are some of the things that are underlining our anger. Anger is usually covering these hidden emotions. If you look under the hurt, you will find a expectation. If you look under that expectation, you will find a need. So it's very important for us to sit down and analyze why we are getting angry.

Speaker 1:

The third point Pastor Jay John talks about is how your words can be so hurtful. So you see the stop sign there. Stop think before you speak, because words can hurt. Like I just talked to you about the example of my brother. There are so many of us who have faced that right. So many of us have been a victim of hurtful words. Okay. So James, chapter 1, verse 19, says be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. Proverbs 15, verse 1, says a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. So let us not be the ones who will open up our mouth and start saying hurtful things. Okay, but let kindness be a virtue. When you open your mouth, let kind words come out. Words can be weapons and reacting in this situations can cause further damage.

Speaker 1:

Okay, the next point is how much ever you try in your human strength, my friends, we are, but human, yes, we will fall flat. When the time and the situation comes, you know, our natural understanding will kick in. It will take over, okay, what your heart is telling you. Your heart knows what you're doing is wrong, but at the spur of the moment you will not be able to control yourself. So how do we deal with such situations? The only way to deal with these situations is ask Holy Spirit, god, to help you, okay. So what are the gifts of the Holy Spirit? The fruit, okay, is love, joy, peace, patience. Do we have this? We are living in the day and age of two minute Maggi noodles. There's no patience. So let's ask God to give us patience. Kindness, these are some things which will not come naturally, my friends. You have to cultivate them. Ask Holy Spirit to help you to cultivate these fruits. Okay, goodness, gentleness, yes, faithfulness and self-control, these are all the fruits of the spirit.

Speaker 1:

Looking at the story of Cain and Abel from the Bible, genesis chapter 4, verse 2 to 5, it says Now, abel kept flocks and Cain worked for the soil. In the course of time, cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord all of us know the story right. And Abel also brought an offering fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering, but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry and his face was downcast. The first story in the Bible of sibling rivalry Any sibling rivalry.

Speaker 1:

Very sad truth I'll tell you today. The parents and the grandparents are the biggest reasons why there's sibling rivalry in the family. They will favor based on looks, based on their character. Based on how they speak, they will favor one child and they will not favor the other child. That's very, very wrong on our parts to do that. My friends. If both are your children, you have no right to put that division between them. Don't ever say I like you more than your sister, you are better, you get better grades, you know you are more good. No, that's not the way it has to be done. Because you do not know, you're putting the seed of sibling rivalry in the hearts of your children and one day it will give rise to situations which you will not be happy to face. So treat all your kids the same, love them the same, no comparison, yes.

Speaker 1:

Then the Lord said to Cain why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door. It desires to have you, but you must rule over it. Even before Cain could commit the murder, god knew exactly what was going on his heart and he warned him. He said sin is lying at the door of your heart. You have to conquer it. But did Cain listen to the warning of God? He did not. He made sure he finds Abel in a lonely spot and he attacks his brother. Very sad thing, because he let jealousy take over him and the feeling of being slighted off, resentment and anger towards the brother resulted in murder of Abel. So the warning is there, the advice is also there. Right there, sin is lying at your door, but you must rule over it. Okay, I'm going to read you a story, because Cain and Abel's story is a little outdated for us, right? Because we are not sitting there giving offerings to God, burnt offerings, I mean. Okay, so let us listen to the story.

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Leon had always been the golden boy of the company. He rose quickly through the ranks, sharp in meetings, decisive, under pressure and always the ones to get things done. But what people didn't see was the cost At home. His marriage was unravelling, his wife had grown distant, tired of his late nights and constant stress. His father had recently been diagnosed with early stage dementia, and Leon hadn't told anyone. He buried it all under spreadsheets, deadlines and a smile that quite didn't reach his eyes.

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That Monday morning, the team gathered for a high-stake product review. Investors were watching and the pressure was suffocating. A junior employee, arun, was presenting a slide deck Leon had reviewed the night before. But one shot was wrong. Wrong, an outdated metric that could throw off the entire pitch. Leon's heart pounded, his jaw clenched and, even without thinking, he exploded. Are you serious? This is immature work. Do you even care about this team? The room froze. Arun looked like he had been slapped. No one dared to speak. Someone quietly ended the Zoom recording. Another, unknowingly, had captured the moment on their phone. By lunchtime the clip had gone viral inside the company's Slack channels. Hr called Leon in. He was suspended for two weeks and required to attend anger management therapy.

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At first Leon was furious. I've given everything to this company, he told the therapist. One mistake and I'm the villain. But the therapist didn't argue. She asked questions about his sleep, his family, his childhood, his silence, and slowly Leon began to see the truth. This anger wasn't about Arun. It was about years of unspoken pain, perfectionism and the fear of failure. He had never learned to sit with discomfort, only to conquer it. I thought being strong meant never showing weakness. He admitted one day, but I was just scared and hurt people because of it. The turning point came when Leon returned to work. He just didn't apologize. He changed. He met Arun privately. He said Arun, you didn't deserve that. I was wrong. I'm working on it and I hope you'll give me a chance to earn back your trust. A beautiful story how Leon was able to sit with a therapist to understand what was going on.

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Many times, my friends, I've seen this in my own life and also in the lives of many people. We take too many things, we complicate our lives. We want to do this. We also want to do this, but there's only 24 hours in one's life. You can only do so much. I'm talking about anger towards others.

Speaker 1:

There is also chances that you might be angry at your own self. Maybe you feel you have failed your own self. Anybody like that? When my parents passed away five years ago I'm the only child who lives here in India and when they passed away, I blamed myself for their death and I said I didn't do enough to save them. And for years I couldn't sleep in the night. Every time I slept my heart would go pounding. I had palpitations. I have slept myself to bed crying. I couldn'tpitations. I have slept myself to bed crying. I couldn't forgive myself. I said, maybe if you would have taken them to the hospital early, maybe if you would have done this. Maybe, if you would have done that, maybe you could have saved them. Maybe they would have been alive today. Maybe there's some of you like that. You're not able to forgive yourself. Can I tell you, when it's God's time, god will call and you have to forgive yourself.

Speaker 1:

Yes, sometimes there is a method called as a box breathing method. Okay, this is a very helpful tool for each one of us to actually encourage us to become calm in stressful situations. Okay, anybody heard of this method, the box breathing. We all tend to breathe very shallow. Therefore, we become lightheaded and we are not getting enough oxygen, because enough oxygen will actually calm you, okay. So the box breathing method it teaches us to breathe for four seconds, then you hold your breath and then you again breathe out for four seconds. If you do three repetitions of this, this will actually calm you down. So try it the next time you're very angry and tell me if it works, okay. So this is a small tip for you.

Speaker 1:

Okay, I just have a couple of verses before I close. I know I'm running behind on time. I'll just take last five minutes. Okay, I want to teach you from the word. See, if you go to a therapist. They will teach you a lot of things which you know are, which are helpful. Okay, but we have to learn from the word.

Speaker 1:

We, as Christians, what does the Bible tell? Okay, we have so much of wisdom that is hidden in the word. Okay, that wisdom is not available outside, my friends, okay. So proverb, chapter 29, verse 11, says fools give vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Okay, so God is comparing a fool man, a foolish man, and a wise man, saying fools will give vent to their rage, but the wise will bring calm in the end. I'm not talking to you as though I'm perfect, even as I'm teaching you. Holy Spirit is talking to me as well, my friends. Yes, so that's one of the ways that whereby you have to wisdom lies in restraint. Self-control is something that we talked about, the fruit of the Holy Spirit. It says in Proverbs, chapter 16, verse 32,. Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city. Who takes a city. Self-control is a mark of true strength, not the one who is this mark on. Yes, okay, not like Samson.

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Respond to evil with kindness, okay. 1 Peter, chapter 3, verse 9, says do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. That's the most natural human tendency. If you say something mean to me, I want to say something more meaner to you, right? Okay, that's the most natural human tendency. Okay, but what is God's word saying? Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with a blessing, because this you are called so that you may inherit a blessing.

Speaker 1:

Yes, responding to wrongdoing with kindness breaks the cycle of anger and it opens the door to healing. Okay, so if you continuously do the same thing over and over, you hurt me, I hurt you, I hurt you, you hurt me. Okay, there has to be some way we have to break this cycle and that is by responding with kindness. It actually says in one of the verses in Proverbs. It says when you do this, you heap coals of fire on their head. Anybody read that verse. If you respond with kindness, it is like heaping their head with coals of fire. So God will fight your battle. My friends, vengeance is mine, says the Lord. That means revenge. Vengeance means revenge. Revenge belongs to God. It is not for you to take revenge. Vengeance means revenge. Revenge belongs to God. It is not for you to take revenge. Yes. And the last one is forgiveness brings freedom. Yes, matthew, chapter 6, verses 14 to 15, says if you forgive others, your heavenly father will also forgive you. Okay, letting go of anger through forgiveness will bring peace and will align us with God's will.

Speaker 1:

There was a famous neurologist in the city, it seems. He was treating two brothers okay, and these two brothers had similar, similar professions. Okay, and it was shown that one brother was holding on to anger more. The other was practicing forgiveness. This brother, who was letting anger rule his life, developed a lot of health complications, but the brother who practiced forgiveness enjoyed good health. So this is a secret, my friends if you want, mentally, your mind to be peaceful, your life, your body to be healthy, you have to learn to let go forgive. It is for your own good, just like that acid that is in that bottle. You don't want that acid to be in your body or the vessel you